A touchy subject, even for the world of film

November 11, 2011

In a few days, D and I are headed to Amsterdam for the International Documentary Film Festival of Amsterdam (IDFA) where a film I took part in, “Love Addict,” will debut. And while I’m thrilled to once again be part of the art world, schmoozing with a great clique of writers, directors, producers and photographers, in Europe no less, I am a little leery.

For starters, the documentary is a topic of interest that might not be, how shall I put this, all that well received. It’s about weakness and that’s something some people have a hard time witnessing. People might laugh. We will, after all, be in Europe. “Oh those Americans,” they’ll say, “Always angst ridden and falling apart over the most luxurious and invented of possible problems.” And it’s true. Love addiction isn’t really about love or anything lofty like that. It’s not even about something as ugly yet facinating as being addicted to sex, meth, hoarding or any of the more lowbrow dysfunctions. It’s about the psychology of personal defense mechanisms and how that plays out in a person’s life. It’s about whining over not being loved, but feeling stuck and doing nothing about it because you don’t believe in yourself. Superficial, self-centered stuff that probably should have been dealt with at age 13, not 43.

And let’s face it. The documentary is not based on “real” suffering, in the broader sense, the kind you find in places like war-ravaged Iraq or Sierra Leone. We didn’t film a heated polemic on climate change or the impending doom of global food shortages. This is self-imposed, I can’t control my behavior stuff that causes suffering. It’s akin to over-eating, over-spending, gambling, drinking. It’s the addiction argument. We participate in these behaviors of over-indulgence and over-consumption and suffer the consequences, then wonder what the hell happened when we fall flat on our faces. We wonder how it got this bad. And why it can’t be stopped. So we call it a “disease.” Really, it’s like cancer; it spreads. Obsessing over that which we cannot have and putting up with bad behavior from others becomes the dominant response. It gets to the point where good judgment is lost. It gets to the point where a husband smacks his wife across the face. It gets to the point where she stays because she “loves” him. She stays “for the kids.” Or she stays because she’s scared to death to be alone.

Sure, people might snicker over my American sensibility for personal growth. And they might even get that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of their stomachs when the director toys with the idea of a woman who resorts to stalking a la Fatal Attraction, or another who dates a kid fifteen years her junior with no job and no real ability to handle an adult relationship, let alone take care of himself. Through most of the documentary, in fact, you find yourself asking, is this a real problem or do these people simply suck at managing their lives. In the beginning you feel like, clearly, anyone labeled a love addict is sick in the head. In the end, you wonder, “Could this be me?”

And that’s a good question.

Maybe the cultural dilemma of how men and women treat each other within a relationship is not as black and white as the media would have you think. Maybe love addiction is a lot subtler than the Hollywood version, or the battered woman version. Maybe the term “love addiction” is a misnomer, and it’s even more prevalent than alcoholism. You remember those statistics from the 80’s? In every family there’s at least one drunk. Or was that “jerk”? I can’t remember now. But I can tell you this: there’s tons of unhappy women suffering through bad relationships right now or stuck in a one-sided flimsy representation of one. It’s plague-ish, if you ask me. Take a good look at all your girlfriends. How many have stayed in a bad relationship or a bad marriage long past the point of dignity? That’s love addiction. How many settle for a “friends with benefits” situation in the hopes it turns into something more? That’s love addiction. How many men or women do you know that have had affairs and destroyed their families on the fantasy-based whim that love with this perfect new stranger will save their soul? That’s love addiction. And how about the hard-working career woman who finds it safer to date a married man, or one about 3000 miles away rather than go out and actually find someone close and available? That too, is love addiction.

It was just this past weekend that my Aunt came to a family party with proof that dating a bad boy is an epidemic among twentysomethings. She showed me a photo of my cousin N, a beautiful Paris-Hiltonish statuesque blond. She was pictured with a cute, smiling Italian guy. The first words out of my Aunt’s mouth were, “This guy is actually [emphasis mine] nice.” I.e. he’s not a f’ up like the previous ones.

It reminded me of my youth. I dated one bad boy after another. Each one ever so slightly less bad than the last. You’d think I’d be trading in behavioral traits in the hundreds instead of making microscopic improvements in increments of one. But were my bad dating decisions so far from the realm of what’s normal? I don’t think so. Sure, some of my friends dated good, kind, loving men who treated them well. But most couples in my circle had problems. And marriage didn’t leave you exempt from mismanaging your life. Marriage and love addiction are not mutually exclusive. And while having problems within a relationship is normal and unavoidable and by no means signifies that you or your partner are addicted to love, the degree to which those problems do exist and the length of time they last are your best indication that you are in a healthy relationship or that serious soul searching is in order.

But getting people to accept that idea is almost impossible. We all have preconceived notions of who we are and Unflattering Labels don’t really fit into our personal worldview, I’ll give you that. Who wants to be labeled a junkie? But remove the label and what have you got? Romeo and Juliet, is what you’ve got. The glamorization of painful, unhealthy love. So, does it really matter what the disease is called? Does it really matter if it’s a disease at all? The lessons are what’s priceless: love thyself, your body is a temple, you are a miracle, you have value, you deserve better than scraps, you need to grow up and get over the fact that life ain’t a Shakespeare play…

This documentary doesn’t offer those lessons. It should, but it doesn’t (it will have resources for how to get help on its website and DVD). What it does offer is the problem. And a socially acceptable glimpse at love addiction. Unlike self-help books, which, let’s be honest, are a bit embarrassing (no one wants to be seen checking out a copy of “ Women Who Love Too Much”), documentaries don’t imply there’s anything wrong with you. You can go to the theater and be a voyeur into the lives of others and you can freely and secretly gauge if this is something you need to investigate further. A documentary is a film. It’s art. And while you can certainly judge the participants of the film—and even laugh at them if you want—you cannot avoid recognizing yourself in their stories, if but in the smallest of ways.

And I guess that’s all I can hope for. That art can still inspire individuals to sustain judgment and think deeply about what this film implies. Not the sloppy Jerry Springerish implication of classless people getting paid wads of cash to beat the crap out of each other for entertainment. But the deeper implications of the human heart, and its delicate  and often feeble inability to always be strong.

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5 Responses to “A touchy subject, even for the world of film”


  1. […] A deeper look into Amsterdam […]

  2. Clara Says:

    Well, I saw the film today. I think your fears were misplaced, but nevertheless I wouldn’t mind discussing the whole concept of the film further. As a European, I feel you underestimated us. I also fel the director could have developed some of the stories further.

    And finally, what struck me the most was the horrifyingly self-destructive lives of some of the people depicted. Do react if you feel like further discussion.

  3. sevenperfumes Says:

    Hi Clara,

    Thanks so much for your response. I agree that the director could have developed some of these stories further. She really just gives you a morsel and you kinda have to be happy with that. In her defense, she wanted to balance the quality of what she exposed and the quantity of stories to be told. In that sense, there’s only so much you can put into 80 minutes worth of a film.

    And yes, again you are correct. These stories are horribly self-destructive. That’s the problem! That’s the message to take away from this film. And I think that is what the director did so well…capture that self-destruction.

    And so to talk about your third point: do I underestimate Europeans? I hope so! I lived in both France and Spain for a good chunk of time and I always found many of my friends to be averse to traditional “therapy.” Many of the people I knew laughed and called therapy “an American novelty.” But, I believe things may have changed. When I was at the premier, it was a sold out show and many people came up to us afterwards to tell their own personal stories of possible love addiction. It was wonderful to see such a positive response.

    And so a final question: you never mentioned whether you LIKED the film or not???

    Thanks again for your comments!

    • Clara Says:

      Hi Tracy,

      Yes, all in all I did like the film. What bothered me though was that some of it was coearly directed, like the story of Eliza and the bits in- between ith the kids. I guess I get ehat the director was trying to show (youth, innocence, fluttery expectations) but I wish all the stories had been just documentary.

      Also, the first couple we see: I wih we’d learned a bit more about them.

      As for the rest, I really liked the way the stories were developed, nothing being pre-chewed for the viewer, and just giving glimpses, not too intrusive but sufficient, into the lives of all the people.

      I wish I’d been at the premiere.

      Finally, I was expecting something else. Love addicts in terms of people who are hooked on each other in a positive, love-smitten kind of way. Whether because that’s what I’ve been experiencing for 8 years now (just can’t believe it) I do have strong faith in sort of poitive love addiction. That said, if this relationship turned sour, I’m not sure I wouldn’t en up like the woman in the documentary who sort of lost her mind for a bit over the boyfriend wo persisted about not wanting to have kids.

      Any comment?

      • sevenperfumes Says:

        Thanks for these insightful comments, Clara! I think it’s rather telling that you thought the film would be more about the positive aspects of Love. That says a lot about you and the positive place you are coming from. And congrats on 8 years of a wonderful relationship. I feel as though as long as a relationship is mutual and respectful then it’s not really considered “addiction” Unless, of course you are totally avoiding yourself and your responsibilities for the sake of the other person.

        Lastly, yes. It would have been nice if the first couple were given more of a story. I say that, because that’s me and my old bf. Hah. And yet, I think the purpose of that segment is to merely introduced the idea of love addiction in a viewer-friendly way. Not sure if you got my other message, but I have an entire blog dedicated to this topic. There are also tons of reviews and other info on the documentary. Feel free to visit thelovelyaddict.com And here’s a direct link to my original thoughts on the documentary when I first saw it: http://thelovelyaddict.com/2011/04/02/love-addict-review/


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